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Need a description fix? Post yours here!
https://shatteredkingdoms.org/forums/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=14283		 Page 1 of 3
Author:  nothingxs [ Wed Oct 18, 2006 6:38 pm ]
Post subject:  Need a description fix? Post yours here!
If you have a character that you're playing and you think the description could be totally better, paste your current one here and I'll see what I can do about it.

I can color it for you in that silly way that I color things as well, or you can do the coloring yourself. I will write your description and never exceed 80 characters in width, and I can also justify the text if you think it'll look nicer.

Here's an example of a description I 'fixed':

Code:
Before you stands a Towering Male Giant. He is very tall for his kin,
Standing at thirteen feet tall. His body is Ripped, and you can see the
veins sticking out of his head... You get a thought that he must have
trained hard to get like this... His eyes are a blue color, this matches
the Spiked mohawk atop his head. He has a scar down his cheek under his
right eye. His neck isnt very long for his shoulder muscles are huge. On
his right arm is a tattoo of a Scorpion Holding A Banner, and on this banner
it reads 'Strong Warrior'. He has huge pecks and a very toned six pack. In
the middle of his back is another tattoo, This one is of a Butterfly Being
Engulfed In Flames. His legs are as big as tree trunks. At the bottom of
them are huge feet, Which have scars up and down them. As you look closer
at his stature you notice...


The fix:

Code:
Tall, even for his kin, this towering giant stands at almost thirteen feet tall
and has a body as though it were made of stone. His muscles are thoroughly
defined and incredibly large, veins sticking out of his head and his muscles
as though they were going to burst any second. His eyes are blue, complementing
the odd, spiked mohawk atop his head, and standing in start contrast to a long
scar that runs down his cheek from under his right eye. His legs are enormous,
each one about the thickness of a tree trunk, and end in huge, thoroughly
scarred feet. He has two tattoos, one on his right arm and one on his back. The
one on his right arm shows a scorpion holding a banner with his pincers,
written in some undecipherable script. The one on his back displays a large
butterfly, being engulfed in flames.


Just paste your description here and I'll fix it.

Some of you may be thinking that I'm just promoting laziness. On the contrary, I think that if I give people a good description to work with, they can work off of it and edit it as they get older, or write new ones by themselves and just generally get their act together. Eventually they won't need this kind of help. Until then, though, think of this as my project to avoid stuff like...

Code:
<:: YOU SEE HERE BEFORE YOU AN AWESOME GUY NAMED JOE ::>


:)
Author:  Fepel Veiled [ Wed Oct 18, 2006 8:05 pm ]
Post subject: 
I'm game wrote:
Before you is a gaunt male human. His appendages appear to be rail thin
and his skin tone would be best described as pale. His hair is a heavily peppered,
dark brown, nearly black lightly mixed into a a majority of silvers and greys.
It is tied back in a simple braid. His face, a patchwork or wrinkles shows
he is of a either of a significant age, significantly travelled or both. His lips
are stained a blackish brown, evident of years of tobacco smoking. From his
face, though weathered, staring out are two eyes burning nearly as torches
in the night, one green eye is accompanied by a blue one as they peer out,
looking nearly as a mask.
Looking closer you also notice...
Overall, you are in excellent condition.
Author:  juggernaut [ Wed Oct 18, 2006 10:54 pm ]
Post subject: 
This one is ruined beyond repair already.
Author:  Marilyn [ Thu Oct 19, 2006 2:47 pm ]
Post subject: 
Fepel Veiled wrote:
I'm game wrote:
Before you is a gaunt male human. His appendages appear to be rail thin
and his skin tone would be best described as pale. His hair is a heavily peppered,
dark brown, nearly black lightly mixed into a a majority of silvers and greys.
It is tied back in a simple braid. His face, a patchwork or wrinkles shows
he is of a either of a significant age, significantly travelled or both. His lips
are stained a blackish brown, evident of years of tobacco smoking. From his
face, though weathered, staring out are two eyes burning nearly as torches
in the night, one green eye is accompanied by a blue one as they peer out,
looking nearly as a mask.
Looking closer you also notice...
Overall, you are in excellent condition.


How about:

This human is thin and pale. His brown and silver hair is braided in the back. His face is wrinkled and his lips are black. His eyes are unsettlingly mismatched, one being green and the other blue. He smells of tobacco smoke.

I don't know much about formatting but it's my experience that letting the reader figure out what the physical description might mean is better than telling them what to think. Also, in the game, I think it's hard to get around to reading really long descriptions.

Just my 2 cents. Feel free to ignore me. Also, feel free to leave out the smell part. I'm undecided about smells in descriptions.

Marilyn
Author:  Marilyn [ Thu Oct 19, 2006 4:23 pm ]
Post subject: 
:rant: Darn it! Now I have to follow my own advice and rewrite my description.
Author:  Im2old4u [ Thu Oct 19, 2006 4:49 pm ]
Post subject: 
I still win the competition of worse desc -ever-.
Author:  ilkaisha [ Thu Oct 19, 2006 4:51 pm ]
Post subject: 
I love that you put QQ in your desc, though.
Author:  nothingxs [ Thu Oct 19, 2006 6:47 pm ]
Post subject: 
Fepel Veiled wrote:
I'm game wrote:
Before you is a gaunt male human. His appendages appear to be rail thin
and his skin tone would be best described as pale. His hair is a heavily peppered,
dark brown, nearly black lightly mixed into a a majority of silvers and greys.
It is tied back in a simple braid. His face, a patchwork or wrinkles shows
he is of a either of a significant age, significantly travelled or both. His lips
are stained a blackish brown, evident of years of tobacco smoking. From his
face, though weathered, staring out are two eyes burning nearly as torches
in the night, one green eye is accompanied by a blue one as they peer out,
looking nearly as a mask.
Looking closer you also notice...
Overall, you are in excellent condition.


You're not a newbie. I can fix it anyways, but it's already acceptable as it is.
Author:  Marilyn [ Thu Oct 19, 2006 7:21 pm ]
Post subject: 
nothingxs wrote:
Fepel Veiled wrote:
I'm game wrote:
Before you is a gaunt male human. His appendages appear to be rail thin
and his skin tone would be best described as pale. His hair is a heavily peppered,
dark brown, nearly black lightly mixed into a a majority of silvers and greys.
It is tied back in a simple braid. His face, a patchwork or wrinkles shows
he is of a either of a significant age, significantly travelled or both. His lips
are stained a blackish brown, evident of years of tobacco smoking. From his
face, though weathered, staring out are two eyes burning nearly as torches
in the night, one green eye is accompanied by a blue one as they peer out,
looking nearly as a mask.
Looking closer you also notice...
Overall, you are in excellent condition.


You're not a newbie. I can fix it anyways, but it's already acceptable as it is.


:-? I guess I am because I seem to have missed something fundamental. Please ignore me. I'll go back to my corner now.
Author:  Fepel Veiled [ Fri Oct 20, 2006 5:43 am ]
Post subject: 
No one took the bait so I tossed out the 4th stage of Ghent's aging process which with the colour and everything looks decent as a description.

Don't worry, in a week or two will be the ultimate change to his discription. ;)
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