Some general criticisms-
Lack of general sense of background and atmosphere. No idea who this character is, and I don't really care about him. Think about how long it takes for a Tolkein novel to get started, for example. I'd kind of like to know how he wound up being a poor little thief. You could, at least, deign to narrate the previous episode in which he was caught just last week pinching some bread and apples, and perhaps even the stuff leading up to that, instead of just weakly telling me that it happened.
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Mathias made his way down the street, ducking between corners and alleyways. Down on the edge of town were some tents in the middle of a dirt field that had become muddy during the downpour.
This is the -only- environment description you've given me. Even the new newbie school has more ambient than that. The sentence itself is ugly once you get to 'that had become.' Just revise that and make it more flow and less chunky.
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Once inside the field he ducked inside a tent and on the table saw just what he wanted: food. On the table was a bit of bread and pork. He could taste it already. Mathias took a bite out of the pork, and it tasted like a slice of heaven.
This language is just weak and not getting to me. 'Once inside' 'And on the table' is just a clumsy way to not make two separate sentences. How can someone be inside a field, anyway? Aren't they on the field? The muddy field, in fact, that was described as the second part of a sentence elsewhere? Dedicate one phrase to him entering the field, one to him going inside a tent (generally peek before duck) and another to the food. Describe it in better detail.
He could taste it already is kind of.. weak. I'm just not feeling the sense of desperation of having not eaten anything for days, weakness in his limbs, etc. The vibe I'm getting is more like 'zomg, I'm really craving some chips right now', which is probably the most hunger that you have ever felt in your life, and not 'zomg I am slowly dying'. Hunger is not like SK hunger- it hurts, and kills, thousands of people every day.
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The bread he stuffed into his coin purse
He stuffed the bread into his coin purse. Fixed.
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Mathias took a bite out of the pork, and it tasted like a slice of heaven. The bread he stuffed into his coin purse and cinched it as he tied it about his waist. He took another bite of the pork and then someone slipped in through the tent flap.
A slice of heaven? Really, I'm just.. not feeling it, and I'm really trying to be receptive.
A thief should steal the food, run out and eat it later. Even my dog knows how to do that. He also shouldn't be stealing from guards, that's dumb. Not sympathizing for your character. He should also spend some time begging before this scene. Begging is a great way to get started as a thief, especially if no one gives you anything.
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“Eh, who are you?”
Mathias looked up, his eyes gaping wide. One of the soldiers had returned, probably for the meal that he was chewing down on.
“Hey there,” Mathias half mumbled as he chewed.
The soldier looked down at the table, and then back up to Mathias. “You eatin’ my food? Are you eatin’ my food, you brat?”
Mathias looked down at the pork, then back to the man. “Yeah.”
Now that the whole 'zomg I want chips' vibe has passed, I'm getting a kind of.. 'trolololol I ate ur food' vibe from this. The correct emotions here should be rage from the soldier, and fear from Mathias. Specifically, fear. Where's the fear, 'dawg'?
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Was this stolen food really worth their effort?
His effort.
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He nearly toppled over himself as the contents of the stand went spilling. But he was able to maintain his balance and continue sprinting.
You don't start a sentence with 'but.'
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He knew that if he was caught that it would all be over. So this thought drove him to run faster, and faster.
You don't start with 'so,' either.
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And it came to pass that he ran out of breath, he was too tired to go on. He collapsed to the ground, exhausted. His breath was so short and quick, and a stitch in his arm hurt. Mathias tried to crawl away, but his movements were labored.
It came to pass? Your language has been pretty direct, informal and modern so far, but all of a sudden, stuff is coming to pass?.
He ran out of breath. He was too tired to go on. He collapsed to the ground, exhausted.
Does Mathias have some chronic medical condition, maybe asthma or anemia, that you forgot to mention in your lack of an exposition? Because, FEAR, the emotion you are not communicating to your bored audience, does amazing things to both the mind and body. Unless this guy is severely malnourished, another emotional thing you've spared us from, he should be able to jog for hours, given enough FEAR.
Have you ever seen a jogger? They jog- and no one is trying to kill them. Healthy people fearing for their life don't just lulz and collapse, except after -days- of movement. They get away, or they get caught.
Not really feeling the anger and malice of these soldiers, but I'm more upset by the lack of fear. They kill people every day, so it's fine if they're somewhat bored, but the protagonist should be having a strong emotional reaction.
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Mathias could taste his own blood.
What did it taste like? Why not just tell me that he tasted that taste, instead of just saying 'blood'?
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One of them had drawn his sword, he knew.
He knew?
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He didn’t want to open his eyes now. He was terrified.
Romantic notions of not wanting to see your death are hard-wire overridden by survival instincts of wanting to be aware of your situation. He would be staring at it until the end, unless he's really depressed or something.
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As she turned and looked at him it was the first time that Mathias remembered seeing such striking blue eyes. A chill crept over him, the hairs on his arms stood up. There was some tangible energy in the air.
'The first time that Mathias remembered' is completely lost, wasted bulk there. How about... Her pale blue eyes made him freeze in place. So, what does 'tangible energy in the air' feel like? Electricity, pressure, temperature, wind, etc are all RL air qualities that can be descriptively described. 'tangible energy' is just being like ZOMMG THERE IS MAGIC instead of being like 'XYZ subtle effects.. could there be magicks?'
Also, I'm confused. In a world where women who you try to randomly assault could be witches, wouldn't soldiers be more careful? Even the most brutal dictatorships don't last long if the troops randomly rape passers-by. They alienate their own useful people pretty fast, since most professionals have women in their family. This is war zone kind of stuff, but you haven't really told me if I'm in a war zone or not.
Your action scene was a little actionless, but that's not a big problem.
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Mathias stood to his feet, and looked at this woman. She looked radiant, with her light brownish skin, a woman in her late twenties. But to Mathias she appeared as an angel dressed in white. She turned and began to walk away.
Stood to his feet? People don't stand to their feet, they stand up. This woman? There's only one- it's THE woman. She looked radiant? Whose point of view is this story being told from, anyway? You're not emoting in an inn in an uncomfortable third person neutral sense. She WAS radiant. Her light brownish skin was radiant like the sun. She was an angel dressed in white- and she turned to walk away.
Her being 'in her late twenties' should be described earlier.
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